She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
