god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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