i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
