dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
