p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
