You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
