In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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