2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
