It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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