Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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