the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
