some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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