I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
