Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
