I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
