I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
