I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
