After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
