just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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