i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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