Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Panties = found
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