Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
