shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
