I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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