So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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