I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
