Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
