Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
