not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
