I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
