my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
