god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
