I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm passing your future prison.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
