Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
In America we eat man semen.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
