i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
