I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
