tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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