i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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