The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
