Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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