I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
