I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
