our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
