I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
