gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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