They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
