i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
