They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
