how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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