At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
