woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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