I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They took my balls.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
