I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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